Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
