when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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