her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
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Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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