I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The best revenge is premature balding
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
