The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
