I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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