brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
