Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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