Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
