There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
