I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i now understand why vodka
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
