I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
