Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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