how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
