WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
