Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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