The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
