I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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