I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
