Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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