I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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