So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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