I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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