I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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