Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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