TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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