I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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Ketchup is God's man juice
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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