DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
