Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You are a genius and a whore.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
