It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
