I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this boner is exhausting
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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