Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
