my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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