I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
