im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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