i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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