He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
