So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
