I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
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