If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
