your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
