Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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