so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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