i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
