just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
