I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
