So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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