Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
