I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?