umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.