Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
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He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.