just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on