i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
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Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Shitshow foam night was such a success
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Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.