I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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