thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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