I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
